day 07 - your zodiac sign and if you think it fits your personality.
capricorn and i don’t give a damn. do i even HAVE a personality? ffs.
actually, let’s see what the capricorn horoscope is this week. Research suggests that more and more American high school students are getting good grades every year. The number of A’s doled out has been going up steadily. Does that mean kids are getting smarter or that teachers have relaxed their standards? I don’t have a definitive answer for that. But I do have a theory that all over the world, the Capricorn tribe has been growing more intelligent in recent years. Your increase in 2010 was especially notable. There may have been a bit of tapering off lately, but I expect that to change soon. The omens say you’re due for another growth spurt in your ability to understand how the world works.
i have no fuckin clue what that means but it sounds unbelievably irritating and twee to me. (i also feel that anyone who did have a larger perception of the world, a greater capacity to comprehend, would know that this is not something to be excited about.)
day 06 - write 30 interesting facts about yourself.
ARE YOU ON DRUGS. okay. i have nothing to do unless i want to set out binding a unicorn!book and i don’t.
1. my main folder for All My Shit on my computer is titled Mimiru Files. why? because whatever year it was .hack//SIGN came out in the US (2004, wasn’t it?), i had an adventure with the corrupt .zip files of fandom and a language i did not speak, and ended up with a mysterious folder on my desktop titled Mimiru Files. and somehow, i have no idea why, i lobbed some shit in it, and from there every Main Folder Full Of Shit on every computer since has had that title.
2. i have broken no fewer than five keyboards by spilling coffee on them.
3. i have a toybox. i frequently pick up more toys. if led into a toystore to find a gift for a child, i will come out with Gifts For Marika. they are mostly toys that light up, i do not care so much for others.
4. except that i sleep with something like ten stuffed animals. and they all have names. and i tell them good night.
5. somehow i also have a rather enormous sticker collection, stemming from when i got my forearm crutches and sent out a cry to the internet that they might help me go down in style. since that a handful of people send me stickers several times a year. i am wondering if one can cover the chassis of a wheelchair with stickers. or if i can find something in pink.
6. yes, internet, i actually like the taste of coffee.
7. at different points ages 10-14, the parents of different friends called me a bad influence and refused to let their droppings hang out with me. i’m not sure where this consensus came from as i had not killed anyone and only got into the occasional fight, but i suspect the ‘gay’ part and the ‘memorizes religious texts and is obsessed with demonology’ part had more to do with it than i assumed at the time.
8. speaking of which i am not an atheist. i am viciously pragmatic and coldblooded, and look first to the simplest, most logical, most mathematic explanation. however i am also extremely religious. it permeates my daily life and nearly everything i do, including the most important things; i quite sternly understand that science and religion, pragmatism and mysticism, tend to go together in a nice way. it is also of a very private and personal nature and not something i talk about (in public) largely because it is mine.
9. i probably sincerely upset my music teacher, because during concerts with the chorus i refused to wear the female clothing, and opted for whatever the dudes were wearing.
10. except for a christmas performance, where i had to wear a long white robe because at different solos i was mary and also an angel.
11. on the subject of music, and previously on the subject of my childhood, when i was eleven years old my parents forbade me to listen to most music i enjoyed. this was because the music i listened to was not in english, and being an extremely autistic young girl with a terrible love for beautiful words, when my father asked me what a song was about, i happily explained to him at length the point of view the song was in, which was of someone being raped and impregnated by her father with mentions of a dead hanged mother, and then there was murder and all was well. (the ban did not last more than a week.)
12. i am a pussy. at 2AM, when i am always awake, it seems EXTREMELY SENSIBLE that there is an axe murderer in my closet. and that there are long black hands creeping up from beneath my bed. and that sadako is in the bathroom. also i check every nook and cranny of said bathroom in the event of sadako, or that small girl from the amityville horror, or an axe murderer. one day i expect to check the ceiling, and find some tiny creepy girl with a grotesque face staring down at me.
13. how are we only on question thirteen? i shoulda made the unicorn book.
14. i have no use for sex. i also have no desire for it and if i did i’d probably be very concerned about, again, what the point of it might be (if there is no Very Concrete Purpose, i cannot be bothered). i cannot see the point unless that’s the route one intends to go for pregnancy, and i assure you i am gay as fuck and would as soon require a turkey baster or quite a lot of money. theoretically i am asexual. i am also wildly genophobic for Speshul Early Childhood Reasons my therapist does not know about, so there’s that, too.
15. …i suspect my childhood was not as awesome as i think it was, come to think. i could be forming that suspicion based on that people keep telling me it was shit, however.
16. THIS SCENE IS THE SCENE TO BE SEEN IN, NOT THAT THE SCENE IS WHAT WE’D BE SEEN WITH, WE JUST WANNA BE SIXTEEN EVEN THOUGH WE’RE TWENTY-THREE
17. here’s an interesting fact: i have an alter-ego named sergio (king of bees) who BINDS BOOKS AND THEN SELLS THEM you can buy them if you want HE TAKES COMMISSIONS http://www.etsy.com/shop/literarytaste
18. where the SHITTING FUCK is my FUCKING COFFEE
19. oh god coffee *sticks face in*
20. there is a certain rule about me, which is that if i have to choose between writing and anything or anyone else, it’s going to be the writing. this makes it completely bizarre that i have ended up with two girlfriends, except to say that one of them holds precisely the same view and takes it for granted.
21. i—i’ve just been handed a very large yellowed piece of paper containing a food pyramid i seemingly drew in first grade. i got a 95 on it, apparently. “is this a fish? why’s it got legs? oh. those are eggs.” i have never had much artistic talent.
22. sometimes i think terry pratchett ought to be knighted, and then i remember he already has been, and i feel warm inside.
23. and then i remember he has alzheimer’s and i panic.
24. i’m really fond of terry pratchett.
25. an age i will be happy to make it to!
26. i am prone to making up interesting stories on the spot, which is a blatant way of saying that i am a liar. a really awful liar. and then i remember this is not fiction and i have to Not Make Things Up here and sigh and correct myself. it entertains me, i guess, mapping out in my head all the possibilities.
27. i would love the number 27 if only it did not have a 2 in it. but i also kind of love it because 9x3 is 27 and i like 9 and i suppose i sort of like 3 because it goes into 9.
28. DROP ACE DRUM AND BASS FEAT HITLER AND CHAIRMAN MAO, IF WE DON’T DO IT KNOW THEN SOMEONE ELSE WILL—OH OH, OH, IT’LL BE SO FUNNY, OH OH, OH, IT’S THE POWER NOT THE MONEY
29. this is genuinely the most goddamned fucking boring thing i will do all day
30. i am only wearing one earring. it looks like this.
day 05 - a time you thought about ending your own life.
what, you mean like a…particularly unique time? there was that memorable time with the carving knife and the time with the bathtub and the time i went to the crazy house the first time and the time yesterday when i received what should’ve been the happy news that my hearing for disability had been scheduled but which only made me go wait a minute i don’t want to be disabled i want to be a healthy person i want to walk and things I HAVE TO STOP THIS WHY AM I EVEN STILL ALLOWED TO KEEP LIVING AND TO DEMAND MONEY TO SUPPORT THIS SURVIVAL WHEN THERE IS NOTHING I CAN DO and then every time i see my mom and realize she isn’t comprehending a word i’m saying through the soma haze. I HAVE MAJOR DEPRESSIVE DISORDER OKAY.
OH AND EVEN MORE MEMORABLY WAS THE TIME I DECIDED I HAD TO END MY LIFE BECAUSE I HAD SCRATCHED THE SURFACE OF A VERY EXPENSIVE COFFEE TABLE
really, major depressive disorder makes you decide to kill yourself over the damndest things.